Hello Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Lana has a conversation with Archer while he is in a coma.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is in a coma again. Just something that ran through my tiny mind. One of Lana's visits.**

 **Hello Archer**

Lana took a deep breath before she entered the quiet hospital room. Archer lay there on the bed, unmoving but still alive.

"Hello Archer," Lana sighed as she sat down next to his bed. "It's me again. Lana."

"I'd ask how you were doing but…Yeah. That's a pretty stupid question."

"Me? I'm okay. I'm hanging in there. AJ is good. She is growing up into a beautiful little girl. I can't wait until you see her again."

"She's talking a lot more now. Picking up a lot of interesting words and phrases. She's still at County Day. For now. Let's just say the tuition bill has increased a lot for…various reasons. Your mother is not happy about that."

"Part of it is to blame on your so-called friend Ivy. I know now he wasn't your friend. Cyril told me a lot about what happened that night. So…Anyway it turns out that he and Whitney were involved in a huge Ponzi scheme that funded the whole Long Water mess. And when they died they left behind this huge hole and…Long story short…A lot of businesses and people are either broke or in trouble."

"Including the Zissners. I thought you might want to know that."

"Things at the agency are…Pretty much the same actually. Not really that many clients knocking at our door. Lot of free time on our hands. Too much actually in some cases."

"I know your mother has been coming here lately. She's not today. She's in the office dealing with whatever the idiots are doing now."

"What else? Uh…"Lana thought. "Oh here's some news you might find interesting. That reboot of Magnum PI is taking longer than they thought so…Yeah that's not going to be made anytime soon. So…I don't know. I thought you might be interested in that!"

"Oh and we still haven't found Woodhouse so…Yeah. **That's** still going on."

"Krieger got another half robot cat. Called it Schnuckiputzi Two. Looks like what would happen if Garfield had sex with a terminator cat. This time however your mother is to blame. What happened was she decided to cat sit some member of the board's mother's cat. She got careless and the cat escaped. The cat got hit with a car. Krieger fixed the cat but the mother died and the family didn't want the cat."

"So Krieger has a new cat and your mother has a new reason to bitch."

"Speaking of which…Wow. This must be the longest conversation we've ever had where you didn't interrupt me. I'm not so sure I like it. No. I definitely don't like it. That's scary."

"I really do miss you, asshole," Lana sniffed. "Why the hell did you…? Never mind. You just don't **think** do you? But for once the consequences bit you in the ass harder than you expected, didn't it?"

"And that's the worst part of all this," Lana sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Not knowing what damage you caused. Yeah, I know you nearly got killed and you're in a coma. I **get** that! We **all** get that! That's all that **everyone** has been talking about! But the rest of us are affected too you know?"

"Your mother is a wreck. Your daughter is growing up without a father. Pam is beside herself and going out on binges again. With Cheryl enabling. Ray and Krieger miss you. And Cyril…"

"Okay maybe not Cyril so much. In fact, you don't want to **know** what that asshole has been up to."

"Spoiler alert: You both have an interest in robot vaginas."

"And me…God damn it Archer. Why the hell did you have to sleep with Veronica God Damn Deane? And then…All the other stupid shitty things you did? And then all the **other** stupid shit you did?"

"That's your problem Archer. You think the whole world revolves around you when it doesn't! What? You think we just sit on the sidelines waiting for you to show up?"

"And my problem is…I'm stupid enough to actually wait for you. But I don't know why or how long."

"I don't know if you can change. Or if I can change. Or if I want either of us to change. I just don't know anything anymore. All I know is that life just sucks ass without you. And I don't want to lose you. Not like this. Not like anyway actually."

"There's just so many questions I have. I don't even know if I want to keep…All I know is that I want you back. I can't move forward until I know you're okay. And it sucks."

"It just makes me think you know? Our relationship hasn't exactly been the most stable one. As Ray likes to call it Jell-O in a blender on a three-legged stool. I'd like to think that as soon as you wake up everything will be okay. But something tells me it won't."

"I just want to resolve all this but…I know it's not going to happen right away. Damn it. Why didn't we do this **before** you…?"

"The worst part is. It's not all your fault. I still blame you for screwing with Veronica Deane. And ratting me out to the cops. Let's not forget **that**. But…Maybe if we just talked? And if I didn't try to one up you…"

"I can't believe it. The one time I **want** you to talk. Figures, right? All those times I just wanted you to shut up and now…"

"Now it feels like there's this hole inside of me."

"I know. Phrasing."

"I'm trying to hold out Archer. I really am. But…I have to go on. Not just for me but for AJ. Don't worry I have no interest in going back to Cyril. Especially after…Trust me. You don't want to know."

"Just please hurry up and come back to me Stupid. Of course, knowing you, you're probably dicking around somehow. I don't know how…But you probably are."

"Well…" Lana stood up. "I guess I'd better be going. Hopefully the office won't burn down before I get there. And we both know that's not just a figure of speech. Take care Archer. I'll see you around."

Lana walked out of the hospital room slightly despondent.

Meanwhile inside a literal mindscape…

"Huh…" Detective Sterling Archer sat at his desk while drinking some scotch. "I have the weirdest feeling I should be doing something."

"Eh," He shrugged and went back to drinking.


End file.
